Kindness Starts at Home

With the start of school, there’s bound to be talk about classmates (friends vs not) rules, new schedules, etc. At the school my kids attend, there’s plenty of talk about bullying as well, or rather anti-bullying. I’ll be honest right now and run the risk of being ridiculed for it; I have not been a fan of the anti-bullying program for the last few years.

The reason I haven’t been a fan of the program is because it seemed to almost introduce the concept of bullying to my kids at a very young age, when they otherwise would have stayed a bit more sheltered for a few years. Also, they seemed more apt to call everything bullying when in fact some kids just act like shitheads from time to time (e.g. they have a bad day and act out occasionally vs. continuously). But this year, I have seen its benefits in only the third week of school.

My heart was heavy yesterday as I listened to my daughter from the back seat of the car tell me about an incident at the lunch table earlier that day. She told me a story about four kids making fun of a boy for always bringing Mexican food for lunch and telling him he didn’t belong in America. My mouth dropped open as I listened and asked questions.

The boy was quite simply eating food that he loved, that he knew, that his mom or dad probably made out of love…and he was being made fun of for it. I hope we can all agree that this is just not okay. I thought about why these kids even had the thought to say something like that. Was it racism or was it just mean kids? Maybe those kids are mean to everyone.

The rest of the evening I thought about what my daughter told me and about the things I got made fun of in school for: being short, having pimples, wearing homemade clothes, being flat chested and eating hot lunch to name a few; all things I had no control over, just like the boy eating Mexican food. We are each given traits and attributes that we literally have no control over; it’s how God created each of us to be uniquely our own person.

Although I grew up in white America (Northern Michigan) I remember vividly hearing my mom and dad tell us that it doesn’t matter if people are white, black, brown or green; we’re all the same. To be quite honest, where I grew up I could probably count the number of non-white people I saw on a regular basis on one hand. I grew up around white people and a small number of Native Americans. We saw an influx of Mexican American people during the summer for cherry picking season, but this was the extent of diversity in my hometown. This is how I grew up. These are quite literally the facts of my childhood. It’s where my parents grew up. In addition to them telling us color doesn’t matter, they also explained that everyone is different and how our differences are a good thing. My mom would say, “It takes all kinds to make the world go around.” She was speaking of skin color but also of personalities.

I was made fun of in school and I remember feeling left out and alone. I also remember feeling included and being the recipient of kindness. I've also been on both sides as an adult. I know which one feels better. I know which one I want to be a part of. I know which end I want my kids to be on. But how do we teach that? How do we steer our kids in the “right” direction? I think my parents did a pretty good job of it, despite being raised around people who looked mostly like us. But as I said before, I still got made fun of and felt left out. I, like so many other people was the recipient of cruel words and behavior. The color of my skin didn’t matter. Our world can be cruel no matter what.

I’m just a normal parent. I don’t have any education in child psychology and even have a hard time spelling it! I’m just winging this whole parenting thing as much as the next person is. I observe a lot and I feel nearly everything. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but also weigh the pros and cons in situations. And yes, sometimes my pros and cons list include my feelings.

It wasn’t called bullying when I was in school. Honestly, I don’t even think we talked about it. It just happened and it was normal. Maybe back then much of that responsibility landed on the parents at home; teach your children how to treat other people. We also lived by a very simple rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. Simple, yes. Easy? Not always.

I believe there’s so much that goes into teaching children how to treat other people with kindness. And I don’t think it’s that simple either. It seems as though everything is intertwined and interconnected and can make for a big ole mess. For what it’s worth (remember this is coming from an ordinary parent) here’s the key components to teaching your children to be kind to others:

1. Treat them with kindness: How do you know what kindness is unless you feel it? Show your kids kindness by showing interest in them and what their day was like. Show them kindness by complimenting them. Show them kindness by disciplining them but following it up with a genuine discussion so they know they’re not bad, but what they did wasn’t a great choice. Show them kindness with hugs and your time. Show them kindness by holding them when they’re sad. There are a million ways to show our kids kindness, pick a few and make it a daily practice.

2. Model kindness towards other humans: Our kids are always watching us. Always. They’re always listening too. Hold the door open for strangers, say please and thank you. Don’t bad mouth people in front of your kids. Save your venting for a time when their ears are not near.

3. Make them feel safe and secure: Let’s face it; the world can be a cruel shitty place, but our kids don’t need to see that. At least not when they’re brains are still developing and susceptible to everything. Some might argue that we shelter our kids, but my opinion is that there’s going to be plenty of time for them to learn how awful the world can be. Don’t run the news in your house. Don’t let your kids have free access to the internet or social media or video games. In my uneducated opinion, all that negative stuff can make kids feel scared and unsafe. What do you do when you feel scared and unsafe? For me, I know I don’t act like my best self; it brings the worst out in me and I can say things I don’t necessarily mean.

4. Teach them how to make themselves feel safe and secure: teach your kids affirmations and positive self-talk, so when you’re not around, they can navigate a difficult situation when it arises. Teach them when to seek out an adult for help and how to listen to their intuition. Encourage them to feel proud of themselves instead of seeking it from others. When you feel secure and safe, aren’t you more apt to act out in kindness and even stick up for someone who is being wrongly treated?

5. Show them that feelings are okay: Let’s face it, feelings suck and they can be super scary and make us feel unsure of ourselves (even as adults). So imagine that if as adults we get screwed up because of feelings, how our children must experience feelings throughout the course of a day. Feelings will go as fast as they leave. Some are uncomfortable and some are downright awesome. Teach them feelings are okay. We can feel them, breathe and they will pass. We do not need to act on every feeling we have (i.e. if they get mad at a schoolmate, they don’t have to be cruel).

I’m thankful for a program that I once wasn’t a fan of. I’m thankful that I had the insight to not discuss my dislike for the program in front of my kids. This way I didn’t put my opinion on my kids’ shoulders and we were all able to let our opinions form over time. Because of the program, it gave my daughter the courage to talk to a teacher about what she saw. Although I think most kids have a good sense of right and wrong, the peer pressure felt in school is very real. Teachers can be intimidating. But with this program, teachers make themselves available to discuss difficult topics, instill bravery and ownership within each student.

I could never deny that our country has some more growing to do with race, religion or sexual orientation for that matter, but what if we just started with teaching kindness? What if we started by modeling kindness? Would the other stuff just go away? Being the recipient of unkind behavior sucks no matter who you are and what you look like. Teach your kids kindness at home and they will model it to the world.

#kindness