This is where ALL kindness begins

Today is World Kindness Day (November 13)! YEAH what better observance day than one that promotes kindness between all of us. After all, it’s no secret that the world could use just a little more kindness, right? We are bombarded on a daily basis with all kinds of hate from all kinds of angles. If you were to rely solely on the news, reality TV shows and social media, you might think that hate is everywhere and the world is probably ending tomorrow. So this day is amazing and should be observed every day! Although I can’t argue with a day as great as World Kindness Day, I can emphasize where I think kindness starts.

To most of us (I like to think) kindness seems like a natural act. Kindness seems so easy in fact, we might wonder why so many people have such a tough time displaying kindness. After all, there’s bullying on the playgrounds amongst our kids, cyber bullying and workplace bullying amongst us adults and I’m not even going to start in on the other hot-button tragic hate-spewing topics of today. What I want to focus on is where kindness begins. Simply put, kindness starts when we look in the mirror. Period.

We can’t possibly show kindness outwardly when there is a battle of hate going on inside of us. Many of you know that I went down and interesting and quite rocky road in my late teens and twenties. I chose alcohol and drugs as a way to cope with not liking myself and not being comfortable with myself. There were many many negative things that happened because of that road but in terms of kindness, I was one of those “mean girls”. I routinely made snide comments, harsh judgments and perpetuated awful gossip. It’s what I knew and it’s what I was comfortable with because the same awful things I said out loud were the same awful things my internal voice was saying. I was not a confident person. I do not remember looking in the mirror and saying kind things to myself. I didn’t think of myself as pretty, rather awkward with misshapen eyes and fat thighs. I didn’t think of myself as smart, rather as the airhead who was the butt of jokes. I didn’t think of myself as an athlete, rather just a cheerleader. I didn’t see myself as popular and having many friends, because in every single social setting I was holding my breath and hoping that no one would see how awkward and out of place I truly felt.

I looked at other people and wanted to look like them or act like them, sound like them and think like them. Turns out, that didn’t get me anything positive, it got me lower self-esteem and a bad attitude because I saw myself as “less than” those people. I don’t think I was unkind all the time because I had good kind-models as my parents. I saw kindness modeled in teachers too, as well as peers. But none of that mattered because there was so much negativity inside my head. I believe it’s impossible to be truly kind when you’re battling your own inner voice. When your self-talk is negative, how can your “talk” to others be genuinely positive?

I believe it started in middle school, which is probably a typical story of when girls start being little bitches to each other. It’s such an awkward time, when your body is changing, your hormones are raging out of control and social norms start to change among your peers. Even in the midst of that turmoil I have to believe it’s possible to have a positive self-image and in turn, be kind to others. Of course it’s super easy to get pulled into the way your friends and peers behave (you want to fit in). I think at some point all of us have gotten sucked into negative behavior. But those kids with a positive self-image who understand positive self-talk and have positive kind-models at home are the ones paving the way for the rest of the world in terms of kindness.

Parents, that’s where you come in! It’s not just enough to tell our kids to be kind. Sometimes I don’t even think it’s enough to model kind behavior. If a person doesn’t have a positive self-image and good kind-models, then there’s going to be some unkind behavior. At least that’s my experience. So then, how do we act as kind-models and teach our kids positive self-talk? There are SO many ways we can do this!

As adults, we need to model positive self-talk! Do you ever catch yourself making a mistake and you mumble under your breath, “I’m such an idiot”? Or the one I am currently working on, “my memory is terrible”? You might not really think that you’re an idiot or in my case you might really truly struggle with remembering things! But these seemingly little things that we say to ourselves and about ourselves are often heard by our kids. It’s much like the idea of putting your own oxygen mask on before helping someone else. Work on kind self-talk within yourself first, then you’ll be more effective at being a kind-model and spreading kindness!

We need to pay attention to negative talk and teach our kids affirmations! When you hear your child talk negatively about themselves, you must give them the tools to change that negativity into something positive! For example, if they’re struggling in math and say things like, “I’m just no good at math” or “This is just too hard” or “I’m just dumb”, validate their feelings but then teach them to say things like, “With a little practice, I’ll be good at math” or “With a little practice and effort I can feel smarter” or “This might be hard now, but soon I will be breezing through it!” When we let negative self-talk fester and grow in our kids, it perpetuates unkind behavior. They might feel like they are “less than” their friends and peers and want to lash out with unkind behavior. They might feel like peers who are better at math are better than them, and then unkind behavior will ensue.

As for adults who just feel the need to be unkind assholes, we need to take a minute and pray for them and realize that they are hurting inside. I truly believe that people aren’t unkind for sport. I think we can all agree that being unkind and being the recipient of unkind behavior feels like total crapola! Unkind people are unkind because they have things within themselves that they dislike. They are not happy with themselves or where they’re at in their life. If praying is not your thing, then try to imagine them as a child just acting out for attention or not getting the love they need at home (within themselves).

Another thing we can do when other adults are being unkind is to resist the urge to be unkind back. All that does is two things: it spreads more unkind behavior and it becomes validation to the unkind person that they’re behavior is okay because other people are unkind too. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that”. Unkind behavior is the darkness.

The other thing that we as adults can do that I think is sweeping the world is to pay it forward. When you experience kindness, it feels amazing, right? You might even feel inspired to be kind to someone else! It doesn’t have to be in the form of paying for someone’s coffee in the drive through, but just in a simple act of holding a door open!

Open your eyes to kindness. It truly is everywhere. With the 24/7 news and social media we are often bombarded with negativity, which breeds more negativity! “Where focus goes, energy flows,” is one of my favorite quotes by Tony Robbins. When you think the world is an awful unkind place, you will absolutely be validated in your thought. You will consequently miss all of the kind things going on around you! Focus on the kind and amazing things and you will see more kind and amazing things!

Kindness takes peace and love from within. We can’t be kind outwardly when there is a storm raging inside of us. We can’t teach our kids kindness when we, ourselves engage in negative self-talk and negative behavior. We can’t see all the good in the world when we focus on all the negative. So yes, on this day of World Kindness, go out of your way to be kind, but I hope it’s also a day to look inward at your own thoughts toward yourself: are they kind? If not, strive to change them!

Tell me how you’re going to stretch World Kindness Day past today!