Three words that changed my life

I am enough.

I’ll never forget when I heard Brené Brown’s words while I listened to her book, The Gifts of Imperfection. “I am enough.” It’s routine for me to listen to a bit of personal development while I get ready for the day. It’s usually only about 10-15 minutes but that’s enough to plant a new seed of thought or inspiration into my daily life. The day I heard the words “I am enough”, I was picking out my outfit and my phone that was playing the audio book was across the bedroom. I lifted my head up from the shirt I was choosing as if I had heard one of my kids crying.

I sped across the room and picked up my phone and hit the back button on the Audible app. Brene’s words echoed as if they were in slow motion, “No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.” Again, I pressed the back button and listened to those profound words. She was speaking to me! It was like for the first time I was being told that it’s okay, that I’m okay. Or maybe it was just the first time I was ready to listen. I backed up her words again and wrote them down. “Holy shit,” I said out loud. I sat in the corner of my bedroom where my phone was plugged in, half dressed and not caring that this epiphany was going to make me late. I am enough!

For as long as I can remember in my adult life, I defined myself by the check marks on my to-do list. There have been countless times I strayed from my to-do list and had to add more things just so I could get those coveted check marks. At work and at home I was always the tireless worker-bee taking on tasks, checking them off and adding more. In fact, I often bragged about how I couldn’t sit still, how I was either sleeping or moving. I used to go into work early and leave late. Then on the weekends, I always made certain that my floors were swept and mopped, linens and clothes washed and bathrooms scrubbed. You guys, I missed so much of my kids’ baby and toddler years because I was marking things off a to-do list. A self-imposed prison of not living in the present. A self-imposed prison of worry, guilt and not living up to…what? What was I trying to live up to? What in the world was I over-compensating for?

I could easily blame it on the standards that society gives us to live up to; the perfectly dressed Pinterest moms, the corporate moms who are positive they can have it all, the crunchy moms who only do organic and cloth diapers, the skinny moms who run marathons at 6 week postpartum or the perfectly styled moms who’s house looks like it’s straight from a magazine. It would be so very easy to point my finger at movies, TV and social media as the ones to blame for an unrealistic images of a woman and mom. I mean that stuff is everywhere. It obviously plays a role in how I live my life and raise my kids and how I view my self-worth right? For the love of God it’s everywhere. We simply can’t get away from the images that are fed to us. Always some image of thighs not touching, perfect makeup, or celebrity juggling career and motherhood.

No, no, no, I call total BS on this right now. Sure, I am easily influenced just like the next person, but do you know where I went wrong? Do you know where those standards that I set for myself came from? They came from a person who didn’t believe in herself enough to know that those images are just that; images. I didn’t have enough self-worth to understand that I can lead a happy and successful life even without the Pinterest cakes, designer suits, organic baby food and Crate and Barrel living room. I simply didn’t love myself enough to know that I was enough. That what other people thought didn’t matter. And news flash, that other people weren’t even paying attention to me. I didn’t trust myself, my actions or my instincts enough to not compare what I was doing and how I was living my life to those other women.

It was the lack of work on myself. It was the lack of attention I gave to myself to cultivate confidence and self-worth that got me to that place of ridiculous standards. I set those standards for myself. It wasn’t society. Sure that stuff is everywhere too, but we must remember if we can love ourselves for who we are, those images will have zero impact on us. ZERO. How do I know that? Because today I am a happy, confident woman who knows her self-worth in every light and I can easily look at images of people on social media, movies and TV and not feel less than I am. Not feel threatened. Not feel like I’m failing to live up to some unattainable standard. It was just a few years ago that I deleted all of my Facebook pictures in preparation to delete my account. I had had enough of the perfect newborn photo shoots, the perfectly dressed and posed families and the husband’s with flowers and gifts in his hand. And of course there was all the political garbage too but that’s something I’m not touching here with a ten foot pole (insert eye roll).

My uncontrollable need to “get things done” and annoyance with Facebook though, had nothing, I repeat nothing to do with the happy families and beautiful pictures. It had everything to do with insecurities with myself. I have an amazingly dysfunctional family life who I thank God for every single day. We take matchy matchy family photos too, but because I was insanely insecure with me and the standards that I set for myself, the standards of other people made me fuming mad and I felt like I was failing at being a real woman, wife and mother.

Thank goodness, I didn’t delete my Facebook account. I have met so many amazing people and been introduced to so many new, fun and helpful concepts. Today, because I am secure in me. Because I know my worth. Because I am enough today, I can happily scroll my social media accounts and even a few political posts and be okay. I’m okay with the standards I have come to realize are perfect for me. I’m okay with the crumbs that don’t get swept up under the table for a few days. I’m okay with that ring in my toilet every so often. I’m okay that I feed my kids cereal now and then for dinner and that some days I cross nothing off my to-do list! Today, I am enough. In fact, most days, I’m freaking way more than enough and I’m doing a lot less.

Let’s keep it real: I am far from “fixed” from the trap of perfection and crossing things off. I’m far from fixed when it comes to confidence issues. I still have to give myself a good pep talk from time to time before social events. I still get sucked into the shiny magazine covers with the desirable thigh gap. I still get pissed occasionally when I don’t cross shit off my to-do list. I still give a good eye roll while scrolling social media from time to time. But do you know what’s different? I am. And because I am different, I can utter three little words every time I feel like I am less than…I can whisper, “I am enough,” then smile, breath deep and thank God for where I’m at and who I am.