Two ways to cultivate positive mindset in kids

I’m not sure there’s any better feeling than when your kids give you a glimpse of hope. A little glimmer of, “I’m not totally screwing this whole parenting thing up”. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and most days I’m positive I’m a complete failure at it. Most days I just pray they turn out okay and that they contribute to society and still talk to me when they’re adults. As a parent, I just try to guide them and keep them safe, all the while crossing my fingers.

In the last few years I’ve become very aware of mindset and how in control I really am of my life. As Tony Robbins says, “Where focus goes, energy flows.” I wholeheartedly believe this and have experienced a strong connection between my mindset and the quality of my life. My thoughts, your thoughts, our kids thoughts have so much power over the direction of where we go. I think it’s safe to say that most of us are addicted to complaining. Many of us love talking about our problems. I mean, why wouldn’t we? The majority of the time, we get something out of it; attention, sympathy, excitement and maybe even a little drama. After all, misery really does love company, so it’s super easy to get people to join into our tragic story of the coffee pot breaking in the morning (this really would make me cry), or the rude person at a restaurant, or how Mother Nature ruined something that you had planned for that day. We LOVE to talk about the bad shit in life!

How often when one bad thing happens in your day does it morph into “one thing after another”? I’m venturing to say for some of you, the answer is often. Here's a scenario to think about: you get dressed for the day and look freaking amazing, wearing your favorite shirt EVER and you proceed to spill coffee on it. You try to get the coffee out but you end up just making it worse. So you reluctantly change your shirt, with a wretched look on your face and huffing and puffing at the loss of not being able to wear it. Next, your kid comes downstairs and wants you to read him a book but because you’re frazzled from your favorite shirt debacle, you’re short with him and say you don’t have time. Now, your kid is pissed and grumpy too. UHG, what’s next right? Well, next, because you let the coffee spilling incident take over your day, which made your kid cry, now you’re running late for work. Of course, you get behind Mr. Sunday Driver himself and there’s no way to pass. Next, you catch every red light known to man and finally show up to work thoroughly pissed off and ready to fight anyone who gets in your way. You sit down at your desk, only to notice 35 new emails as your boss innocently tells you about an impromptu meeting that you clearly don’t have time for and you’re not wearing your favorite shirt either. It’s only 9AM but it’s obvious the rest of the day is going to suck just like this. Sound familiar? Side note, this scenario may be based on a true story (from a friend, of course)😜! I’ll quote Tony Robbins again, “Where focus goes, energy flows.” You were so focused on the tragedy of spilling coffee on your favorite shirt, that you attracted more negativity!

I think it’s a natural progression when we learn something to share it with our kids in some way. There’s no doubt that elementary school for a 3rd grader and kindergartner can be tough; I mean there is so much stuff for them to learn and rules to follow, not to mention navigating the social aspect of friends and just getting along with so many different personalities. When I started focusing on a positive mindset, I realized early on that I could share this philosophy to help my kids better accept tough situations and their feelings and give them the tools to move past it.

I want to share with you two things that my husband and I practice with our kids to help them focus their energy in a positive way and encourage them to talk to us about their day. Like any other good tactic we use, these grew out of pure necessity and a bit by accident. We call the first one Bunny Ears and the second one The Gratitude Game.

Bunny Ears: When Ivy started Kindergarten it became new territory. We went from talking face to face everyday with her caregiver about her day to just dropping her off and picking her up at school. I suddenly felt like I was in the dark with everything. No more daily dialogue about did she eat her lunch, get along with her friends or listen well. Although I’m sure her Kinder teach would have humored me, and given me the play by play of Ivy’s day, I recognized that her job was so tough, so I tried to play it cool and check in only every once in a while instead of everyday like I wanted to. If you have small children, you know how tough it can be to get information out of them. Here’s how it typically goes in my house, “How was your day?” Kid says, “Fine.” “Well what did you do?” Kid says, “Nothing,” then you want to beat your head on a wall after asking about 101 more questions all with various responses of, “no, yes, fine, okay.” Sound familiar?

I decided to try a different approach. I started asking her to tell me two cool things that happened in school. Why two? I really have no idea other than it seemed like a good balance. It wasn’t all the pressure of, “Tell me the play by play of your day” and it wasn’t just giving up and settling on the fact that I’ll be in the dark until I hound her teacher! Every night at dinner I’d hold up two fingers and ask the question. It was the kids who recognized that it looked like bunny ears! Thus the name was born!

As time went on, Bunny Ears morphed into a practice of focusing on the positive. Basically, Ivy started coming home and talking about her "bad day", then our youngest started doing it too because well, monkey see, monkey do. It’s absolutely important not to brush “bad days” under the rug, but it certainly, in my experience does nothing good to focus on it. Always listen to their story and acknowledge how it made them feel, but always bring it back to the positive things that happened that day: “What are your Bunny Ears” (What are two cool things that happened today)?

Today, Bunny Ears has morphed into yet another version, thanks to my kids (they always amaze me). Today, the kids have two bunnies! They tell us their “sad” Bunny Ears and then follow it up with two “happy” Bunny Ears! They truly get it!! Yes, we can talk about the “bad” things that happen but then let’s move past them and talk about the good things! There is always something good to talk about!

Gratitude Game: I have known the power of gratitude ever since I got clean and sober 15 years ago. I learned then that there is always something to be grateful for. When you focus on the negative, more negative shit just seems to follow. You might be able to imagine that when you’re in the midst of altering a life-changing habit like quitting drinking and drugs, everything looks like shit. Again, it was out of necessity that I learned the importance of gratitude. Fast forward to my child-rearing days and I learned fast that gratitude still works like a charm.

This game came about after one of those mornings where everyone was screaming, someone cried and pretty much all of us wore scowls on the way to school. After the drama subsided and we were in the car, I focused on gratitude. I thought to myself, “I’m grateful for this car to get to school” “I’m grateful for the sunshine” and on and on. As I exhaled gratitude after thinking of the list I was thankful for, I looked in the rearview mirror and saw both of my kids staring out the window with a frown on their face. In that moment, as I breathed out gratitude, my heart broke for them. They were still stuck in the shitty chaos of 10 minutes earlier. I said, “Would you guys like to play a game?” At the same time and in low, long tones, one of them utter the word "no" and the other said "sure". Again, my heart felt sad for them. I didn’t want the bad moment we had at home to morph into a bad day at school. I shared my feelings about being sad that we had a rough start and they agreed. I said, “Do you know what makes me feel better when I’m sad?” Again, in a low, long tone they answered, “no”. “I like to think about all the things that make me happy and grateful, I would love to do that now with you now!” Of course they weren’t very excited about playing a stupid game, but they reluctantly agreed. I explained that we should take turns saying what we’re grateful for. “I love flowers” “I’m thankful for our animals” “I’m thankful for our house and where we live” “I’m thankful for our school and teachers” " I'm thankful for candy" and the list went on. By the time we got to about the third round we were all smiling and laughing!

Today, our kids ask if we can play the Gratitude game from time to time. Last week as we drove to school, Ian was sad about losing his PBS privilege. In the car ride to school as he stared out the window, he asked if we could play the gratitude game. By the time we got to school, he was happy and positive and ready to have a great day. Last night as I tucked Ivy into bed, she was sad about an incident at school. I let her tell me about the bad incident and empathized with her. As I kissed her goodnight, she asked if I would stay and play the gratitude game with her. I stayed and she closed her eyes with a smile and I walked out of the room with my heart full and a feeling that I’m not doing so bad at this parenting thing.

Navigating parenthood is hard, there’s no doubt. It seems like everyday brings on a new challenge and what worked yesterday often doesn’t work today with kids! WHY??!!! But these two tactics have stuck like glue for us. As parents our job is not only to protect our kids from harm, but it’s also to teach them how to function and get through this life and thrive. I know how easy it is to get stuck in life and start to just go through the motions and live out of habit. Be intentional about your happiness and teach your kids to do the same. Thank God, I get glimmers of hope that I’m doing something right every once in a while.

I would absolutely love to hear of a time you when your kids let you know you're doing a good job at this parenting thing!